Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 102744 times)

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #345 on: July 12, 2022, 04:00:05 PM »
Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister of the UK, is visiting a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.

He greets one and the patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Boris is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Boris turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #346 on: July 12, 2022, 04:03:15 PM »
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little JOHNNY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little JOHNNY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little JOHNNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #347 on: July 12, 2022, 04:07:00 PM »
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #348 on: July 12, 2022, 04:12:17 PM »
A teacher's story about Stuttering


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say '****-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #349 on: July 12, 2022, 04:13:53 PM »
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside.

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Labor Party and is helping to get Dan Andrews re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #350 on: July 12, 2022, 04:20:33 PM »
An Australian travelling through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.
 
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.

"Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a tattoo of Julia Gillard on one side of my arse and Anthony Albanese on the other.

"This I gotta see", replied the agent.

With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind.

"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.

"Have a safe trip back to Victoria.”

"But how did you know I was from Victoria? "

The agent replied, "I recognised Dan in the middle!”

Offline STDDIVER

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #351 on: July 12, 2022, 05:40:15 PM »
Great stuff Acorn!    Thanks mate!    :)

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #352 on: July 12, 2022, 06:37:04 PM »
Great stuff Acorn!    Thanks mate!    :)

You’re welcome STDDIVER!  👍👌

BTW, this thread achieved over 10K views over the weekend! 🎉🍻🎉🍻🎉🍻🎉🍻🎉

🤣🤣🤣

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #353 on: July 14, 2022, 04:31:58 PM »
 :o

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #354 on: July 14, 2022, 09:24:40 PM »
 :o

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #355 on: July 14, 2022, 09:25:18 PM »
 ???

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #356 on: July 15, 2022, 12:02:02 PM »

I went for a Chinese meal last night and got chatting to the waiter.

He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot and his code name was ‘Chow Mein’.

I said “Correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?” To which he replied “Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein!”.

🤣🤣🤣


Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #357 on: July 16, 2022, 05:23:19 AM »
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,

"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing! He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're having a senior moment...make it memorable!

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #358 on: July 16, 2022, 06:07:34 PM »
  :-X

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #359 on: July 17, 2022, 05:21:16 PM »
 8)