Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 20047 times)

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2021, 07:24:29 PM »
My vacation this year ....

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2021, 09:10:48 PM »
A priest is on a subway train. A man opposite lowers his newspaper to reveal himself to be a hard-living man who smells of alcohol, has lipstick on his collar and is wearing rumpled clothes in which he has clearly been out all night.

With pain in his eyes, the man asks the priest: "Father, what causes dyspepsia, gout and cirrhosis?"

The priest replies: "My son, they are caused by a wild lifestyle, gluttony, alcohol abuse, and the company of wicked women."

The man says: "Amazing."

The priest says: "Would you like to be free of these ailments?"

The man replies: "I don't have them. The newspaper says the Pope has."

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2021, 09:26:08 PM »
Husband takes his wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says:  “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

 ;D

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2021, 09:31:21 PM »
David Beckham gets into a London taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.

After about five minutes the driver says: ''OK give me a clue.''

Beckham says: ''I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and played over 100 times for England, is that enough?''

The driver says: ''No, you silly pr**k, where do you want to go?''

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #19 on: April 28, 2021, 09:39:29 PM »
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans.... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #20 on: April 30, 2021, 05:37:23 PM »
... if you think you’ve had a bad day, just check this out ...

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #21 on: April 30, 2021, 05:38:36 PM »
... and in Box Hill earlier today ...

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #22 on: April 30, 2021, 06:13:51 PM »
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, “There's an old gearbox over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gearbox."

Offline Carzee

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #23 on: April 30, 2021, 09:47:43 PM »
Gets better and better -the gearbox goat is my fav so far - I think I know that farmer.

edit - I just checked, I do know him, he wear's a blue Yakka shirt.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2021, 09:50:12 PM by Carzee »

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #24 on: May 02, 2021, 05:05:15 PM »
… and in Islamabad today …

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #25 on: May 19, 2021, 08:20:29 PM »
…. by the way ….

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #26 on: May 19, 2021, 08:22:57 PM »
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas.
They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay.”

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #27 on: May 23, 2021, 08:19:02 PM »
Never send your car to an unauthorised repair agent after a bingle …

Offline Acorn

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #28 on: August 24, 2021, 10:36:37 PM »
  ::)
« Last Edit: August 24, 2021, 10:38:11 PM by Acorn »

Offline STDDIVER

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #29 on: August 25, 2021, 04:33:02 PM »
Coving in Victoria - Cheers - STDDIVER