JOKES THREAD

[digger]

Well, we need some fluff and nonsense (other than all of my other posts)

So I start it off now...

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the
kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three
kings decided that they would send their knights out to do
battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking
food.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10
squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for
battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself
preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust
cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third
kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

[digger]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! (anyone else thinking Rodney Rude right here??)  But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door,
into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was still a head."

[korg20000bc]

Comic gold:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V3SqxUomwk

[hodgo]

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
and asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'
 
The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO.  It cost half a million dollars ! '
 
' That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
' Why does it cost so much?'

' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.
 
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'
 
' No problem,' replies the doctor.
 
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.  Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
but I'll stick with my Moped !'
 
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
 
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !
 
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
 
Something whips by him going much faster !
 
' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
 
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
 
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
 
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph
and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
 
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
 
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
 
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
 
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably
the old man is still alive.
 
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
' I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you ?'
 
The old man whispers,

' Unhook my braces from your side view mirror '

[hodgo]

 
 
________________________________________
 

 
The phone rings, and the wife answers.

 
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no
Hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
 
 
 
 

[hodgo]

 A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with
 her husband.


 She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without
 you."


 Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"


 She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

[hodgo]

Protector

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die..'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careering around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where were you when I got married?

[RobHay]

Last weekend I saw something at the Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 30th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. What could be a better present for Madam Glock. The consequences of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing them adequate time to retreat to safety away from her.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to wife what that burn spot is on the face of her new fridge.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. Gracie sitting there, me in need of a target.........I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water and lose all control of bodily functions.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference -- pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and..................... HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs and laying in a puddle of some sort of foul smelling liquid. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. Your muscles will spasm and you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???

My triceps, right thigh, were still burning and twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

Still in shock!!!

[RobHay]

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL....

I have 4 cats and if you've ever had a cat, you will know just how true this is!

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden, make sure she is up to date on Control and Restraint.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and push straw right down hellcat’s gullet, blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply Scotch compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw destroyed Tee Shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call Qld Fire Service to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with Plasticuffs and bind tightly to leg of dining table, fetch leather heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, don body armour. Push pill into mouth of cat followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 litres of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any Guinea Pigs.

How To Give A Dog A Pill.....

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.



That's what I like about dogs!!! No brains.

[RobHay]

TALKING AUSSIE CLOCK

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a few of his friends late one night, a drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.


'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.


'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.


'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'


'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'


'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.


'Just watch' he said.


He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.


Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,


'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

[RobHay]

The difference between dogs and cats:

Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.

[RobHay]

GOVERNMENT EMPLOYMENT


A guy goes to the Government Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer explains to him that they operate on a point system and that at the end of the interview the points will be added up and depending on what he scored he will either be rejected for employment, go on to a wait list and then employed as vacancies arise or if he scores the highest be offered immediate employment then he asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

The applicant replies, "Yes - coffee."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says,"Yes. Whilst on patrol I had a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my
testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00AM and you might as well start every day at that time."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we
just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you
coming in for that, is there?"

[peterp]

Tiger & Stevie Wonder

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
 
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."
 
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that ... $10,000 a hole is fine with me.

When would you like to play?

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

[Vixen]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

[Vixen]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.