Boy, what a week I’ve had!, I have been very busy... I had a really bad day yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
But, after working on it for two years, this week I finally did a public theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
In the matinee audience was a primary school class, and a small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When I telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'. I was really worried the teacher would be mad that this had occurred so I went to talk with him. Turns out he was a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
The kids got out of control and the magician got so mad he pulled his hare out. He came to us from a circus... Did you hear about the fire at the circus? Apparently the heat was in tents.
Anyway these students reminded me of my school days.....some days were great some were scary, for instance in my last year I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose. Earlier in the year a rubber band pistol was confiscated from me in algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. I recall having a beautiful but difficult math teacher. She was easy on the eyes and hard on the pupils!
I realised then that math teachers have lots of problems. I also realised that I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me. I recall that a rule of grammar is that double negatives are a no-no. And a prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
After school I had a few jobs, I may have mentioned these before.... First I sold farm equipment, (John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment I won't stand behind.) Then I joined the Army with my mate William, we were posted to Afghanistan and got what we thought would be a cushy job with the Quarter master, but it is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
When we got back William quit the army because he really disliked the phrase 'fire at will'. So we started doing orchestral appearances in workplaces, we were working in the mines when a crane strap broke.... let me put it this way.. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor....
Will then became a butcher but he backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work, with his compo payout he bought a really flash new car, after a big night on the bundys, he drove his expensive car into a tree and found out exactly how the Mercedes bends.
After months of treatment he told me these things about his medical treatments, He said he’s been to the dentist several times so he knows the drill. He said do not trust people who do acupuncture as they’re a mob of back stabbers, his proctologist reassured him that his condition could be rectified.
He said he was arrested after his therapist suggested he take something for his kleptomania.
I decided to find my own niche, First I was a greengrocer, Big mistake! Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed. So instead I invented a new type of broom, since it came out, it is sweeping the nation. I made a breakthrough when I realised a bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred. Then I thought “What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? “ It’s purely a tyre.
After that I invented a cardboard belt but I realised after that it would be a waist of paper.
Inventing runs in my family, My great grandfather, the one who invented the door knocker, got a No-bell prize. For a while, my great grandfather hung around with Houdini. The great magician used a lot of trap doors in his act, but according to my great grandfather he was just going through a stage.
Inspired by my great grandfathers works, I invented a fitting that holds your whipper snipper at 90 degrees to the ground, I ‘m telling you it’s cutting-hedge technology. Now I’ve developed some new worker safety reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out. Unfortunately my new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
I started the original online origami store? You guessed it, It folded. I started binge eating and got huge, I desperately wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
To pay for all this I have a job at the concrete plant but my job seems to get harder and harder. I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours. But usually I'm inclined to be laid back. I was a baker but I stopped making donuts after I got tired of the hole thing. I was a plumber, let me tell you, for plumbers, a flush beats a full house anyday! I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
My brother was an Olympic quality rower but he got dumped because as an indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar. He worked as a director of a compass manufacturer but the shareholders were concerned that the company wasn't heading in the right direction. Then he invested in a funeral company, but it’s a dying industry. (Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.)
He had a bad run, when Harry Potter was big ,my brother invested in publishing a book of incantations, but it was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.
I blame myself, We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention. And as kids I tricked him a lot of times swapping his drink for superglue!, He didn't tell our mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed. I hit him in the head with a can of coke one day, right in the temple! He was lucky it was a soft drink.
He used to scare me with spiders and bugs, I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. You see Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all in sects.
I worked as an animal carer and there I learnt a lot too, for instance, I learnt that a chicken crossing the road is just poultry in motion. Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder. I used to play hide and seek with some animals, All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck! I learnt that the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line. I was there when a dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering. I stopped doing this when 5000 hares escaped from the zoo when I was working . The police were combing the area all night.
I have taken a role as a “facilitator”, that means if people want stuff done, I am the guy who can get it done...
I have made some mistakes, like I learnt that:
*- If you wear a blindfold at the shooting range, you won't know what you're missing
*- novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
*- The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
*- I learnt that the Atheists society is a non-prophet organization and that Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
*- I was shocked to learn that Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
*- If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
*- If you step onto a plane and recognize a client of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
*- Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
*-Even learned that a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
In my new office the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real. I bought lots of pencils as soon as I started, there were hundreds of different ones to chose from. I realised that pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point? I bought a huge sharpener to go on my desk, Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips, but I had to have one, because to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
But I have made an impressive list of contacts and can arrange almost anything, If you need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
To supplement my wage I do weddings too, My first was last Saturday, I got all dressed up, I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. I learnt that to some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
It was in a chinese restaurant, after a while they decided the lights were too bright at the restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
They saved money on the caterers and the coffee tasted like mud, I think it was because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.Someone stole my coffee, Stealing someone's coffee should be called 'mugging'.
The caterers had a nut based menu, Nuts are so expensive these days. Nearly cost you an almond a leg. They served beautiful cuts of meat, and I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
Anyway enough of this, I need to be more flexible, like I don't think I need a spine. I reckon it's what is holding me back.
Time for bed, Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
