Registry of Ex Military Land Rovers
REMLR General => REMLR - General Chatter => Topic started by: Acorn on April 15, 2021, 03:23:10 PM
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Just a simple thread to allow the posting of a Joke Of The Day (JOTD).
Please consider others sensibilities when posting.
Mods, please delete if I’ve crossed a line in initiating this thread.
I’ll kick off with one about CAPT Smithers:
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." ''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."
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Another JOTD ;D
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G’day Acorn,
2 from 2 mate ,both gave me a good laugh.
Cheers,
Mick
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Cheers Mick,
Have another ...
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a kangaroo, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
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... and in other news ...
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:D some very funny stuff here.
... and in other news ... true page at The Sun under the headlines about Prince Phillip's Funeral... English heat wave is exciting. You read it and say to yourself... Its a sauna. Hospitals and clinics all over may panic and put out warnings to "slow the curve" as they can't cope with so many sunburn victims.
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Thanks Carzee, that’s hilarious! :D
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... sadly, this is not as wacky-doodle as it appears ....
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Keep em coming acorn,
Loving your work.
Mick
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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
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... and in Melbourne today ...
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Little Gemma
The teacher was telling the kids at a Banora Point school about the birds and bees and explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and says to the teacher "Are you sure about the stork miss, cause I think you’re getting your birds mixed up, cause my sister just had a baby and she said it was from a shag on the beach at Coolangatta ".
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:D careful -your thanks count will exceed your post count! LOL at restrictions on ANZAC crowds cartoon. shades of chinese lifestyles where no one says anything to avoid 'troubles'.
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:D careful -your thanks count will exceed your post count! LOL at restrictions on ANZAC crowds cartoon. shades of chinese lifestyles where no one says anything to avoid 'troubles'.
Hahaha! Thanks Carzee! ;D
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My vacation this year ....
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A priest is on a subway train. A man opposite lowers his newspaper to reveal himself to be a hard-living man who smells of alcohol, has lipstick on his collar and is wearing rumpled clothes in which he has clearly been out all night.
With pain in his eyes, the man asks the priest: "Father, what causes dyspepsia, gout and cirrhosis?"
The priest replies: "My son, they are caused by a wild lifestyle, gluttony, alcohol abuse, and the company of wicked women."
The man says: "Amazing."
The priest says: "Would you like to be free of these ailments?"
The man replies: "I don't have them. The newspaper says the Pope has."
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Husband takes his wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
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David Beckham gets into a London taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.
After about five minutes the driver says: ''OK give me a clue.''
Beckham says: ''I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and played over 100 times for England, is that enough?''
The driver says: ''No, you silly pr**k, where do you want to go?''
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An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans.... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
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... if you think you’ve had a bad day, just check this out ...
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... and in Box Hill earlier today ...
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Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, “There's an old gearbox over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gearbox."
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Gets better and better -the gearbox goat is my fav so far - I think I know that farmer.
edit - I just checked, I do know him, he wear's a blue Yakka shirt.
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… and in Islamabad today …
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…. by the way ….
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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas.
They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
"Okay.”
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Never send your car to an unauthorised repair agent after a bingle …
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Coving in Victoria - Cheers - STDDIVER
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Move Vic survival -
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Thanks STDDIVER, they were great! ;D
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Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
truth
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 16 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
and on a topical note
I'm sure this will shock some of you but thought I would let you all know that yesterday I volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19, held in the South Bank area. The vaccine is one that was created in Russia.
I received my first shot yesterday at 4:00 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные ушиo.....
Cheers ALL
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Breat stuff Acorn - Had a chuckle!
STDDIVER
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That’s pure Gold 😂
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Viagra have just released a new pill named 007, it won't make you James Bond but allegedly, it will make you Roger Moore! ::)
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Good one Frank 😂😂
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I hope it doesn’t shut down the Qld meat industry 🤔
Keep up the good work Acorn 👍
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Had a good laugh - thanks mate! STDDIVER
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Thanks STDDIVER! :)
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Loving your work Acorn ; always good for a laugh.
Keep up the good work
Mick
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Cheers Mick!
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Another solid performance Chris; keep up the good work :)
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I read somewhere that it only took one unvaccinated Serb to start WW1
just sayin'
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Another solid performance Chris; keep up the good work :)
👍👌💪🏻
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I read somewhere that it only took one unvaccinated Serb to start WW1
just sayin'
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To quote Mike Moore from Frontline ; Elliot you’ve done again , until next week. Good night.
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To quote Mike Moore from Frontline ; Elliot you’ve done again , until next week. Good night.
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Good to go to work!
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…and for something completely different …
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Amber Alert! ;D
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Run Trudeau, Run!
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That says it all 😂
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Good ones mate - brings a bit of levity! STDDIVER
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Subject: A day at the Flemington races
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse.
When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?'
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but
I really appreciate your help.’
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
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Another good laugh - thanks mate -
STDDIVER
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Another good laugh - thanks mate -
STDDIVER
Thanks STDDIVER!
Glad you enjoyed them! 👍👌
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Book Review
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost – $29.99
Clinton : Cost – $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bull**** artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let’s not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember anything.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of Seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let’s not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary – basically the same thing
**********************************************************************
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Air Show Disaster at West ZWICK'S ISLAND PARK, BELLEVILLE, ONTARIO, CANADA.
AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS.
This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. Amazing photo below shows great detail.
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
No one was killed, but it probably scared the **** out of them.
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Best wishes for a safe and happy Easter everyone!
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said,' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. He made his own lunch.'
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Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
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I’m back! ;D
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Acorn - Thanks had a good laugh! Love the sense of humour!
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Acorn - Thanks had a good laugh! Love the sense of humour!
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I had a snigger at this one.
All the friends and relatives who refuse to allow me at their homes because an unvacinated person will infect them all, have had COVID.
Anyway, I might be getting it next week. I had drinks with people I used to work with at a bar in the city. One of the people who attended was infected.
I asked him why, being infected, he felt it necessary to bring it to the bar. His reason was we were all triple dosed anyway.
No one was concerned.
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Good to see you back mate.
Love your work
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Good to see you back mate.
Love your work
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Brilliant Young Eric! Please keep them coming!
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mnQTzhVgl8
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mnQTzhVgl8
Hilarious yet tragic Mick!
Thanks for sharing!
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Seems only jokes are popular at the moment.
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Pure Gold Acorn 😂😂
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Seems only jokes are popular at the moment.
Brilliant Mick Marsh! 👌
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If You Don't Think Our Jokes Of The Day Are Funny
You Can.....
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For Sale: Aussie Bushmaster.
Build Aussie tough for Aussie conditions. Unfortunately, not so much in far off European climes.
Low kilometres, one careful owner, one not so careful owner
Would make a good restoration project.
Must be willing to pay in roubles and transport yourself.
Contact Russian Embassy Staff.
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Happy 4th of July to all the Land Rover loving Yanks on REMLR! 🫡
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Have you ever read such rubbish?
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Good one Young Eric!
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👍👌
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For Sale: Mercedes - $1.00
Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it could be true, so no one responded, except for an old man who went to see the car.
The lady actually sold him the Merc, which had done just 12,000km, for $1, handed him the papers and the keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said, "I’ll die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheaply."
The lady replied, "I am legally required to execute the will of my dear, now deceased husband. It’s stipulated in his will that all proceeds from the sale of his beloved Mercedes are go to his Secretary!”
🤣🤣🤣
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Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister of the UK, is visiting a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.
He greets one and the patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Boris is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Boris turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little JOHNNY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little JOHNNY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little JOHNNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
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A teacher's story about Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say '****-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room
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A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside.
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Labor Party and is helping to get Dan Andrews re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
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An Australian travelling through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.
"Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a tattoo of Julia Gillard on one side of my arse and Anthony Albanese on the other.
"This I gotta see", replied the agent.
With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind.
"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.
"Have a safe trip back to Victoria.”
"But how did you know I was from Victoria? "
The agent replied, "I recognised Dan in the middle!”
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Great stuff Acorn! Thanks mate! :)
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Great stuff Acorn! Thanks mate! :)
You’re welcome STDDIVER! 👍👌
BTW, this thread achieved over 10K views over the weekend! 🎉🍻🎉🍻🎉🍻🎉🍻🎉
🤣🤣🤣
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I went for a Chinese meal last night and got chatting to the waiter.
He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot and his code name was ‘Chow Mein’.
I said “Correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?” To which he replied “Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein!”.
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An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing! He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're having a senior moment...make it memorable!
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President Macron of France suffers from a shocking accident and is hospitalised.
After 20 years in a coma he eventually wakes up.
Following his release from hospital, he drops into a cafe for a decent coffee. When the waiter arrives at his table to take his order, Macron asks the waiter how did the war in Ukraine end?
The waiter answers ‘Very Good’.
Relieved, Macron sits and enjoys his coffee.
About an hour later Macron is ready to leave and asks the waiter, how much is the bill? The waiter replies, 40 Rubles please!
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A man on his Harley was riding along a Victorian beach road, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied: "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of Bass Strait and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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How the world is being brainwashed with the narrative of climate catastrophe!
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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon"
Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved. I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two," said the golfer.
"I have trouble parallel parking and…
every time I get an erection…
I get a headache."
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Enjoyed the laughs again - Thanks Acorn!
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Enjoyed the laughs again - Thanks Acorn!
No worries STDDIVER!
Glad I’ve got at least one happy customer! 🤣🤣🤣
Keep posted, more sure to follow!
Regards
Acorn
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The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.
'Very good!'
Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:
'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, We're screwed!'
Little Hodiaki said Australia’s Prime Minister ….
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I think perhaps this has run its course. I'll be closing it now.