Registry of Ex Military Land Rovers
REMLR General => REMLR - General Chatter => Topic started by: digger on May 23, 2012, 10:40:57 PM
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Well, we need some fluff and nonsense (other than all of my other posts)
So I start it off now...
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the
kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three
kings decided that they would send their knights out to do
battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking
food.
The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10
squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for
battle.
At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself
preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust
cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third
kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! (anyone else thinking Rodney Rude right here??) But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door,
into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was still a head."
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Comic gold:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V3SqxUomwk
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An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
and asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'
The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! '
' That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
' Why does it cost so much?'
' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'
' No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
but I'll stick with my Moped !'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster !
' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph
and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably
the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
' I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you ?'
The old man whispers,
' Unhook my braces from your side view mirror '
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________________________________________
The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no
Hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
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A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with
her husband.
She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without
you."
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."
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Protector
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die..'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careering around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where were you when I got married?
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Last weekend I saw something at the Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 30th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. What could be a better present for Madam Glock. The consequences of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing them adequate time to retreat to safety away from her.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to wife what that burn spot is on the face of her new fridge.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. Gracie sitting there, me in need of a target.........I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water and lose all control of bodily functions.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference -- pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and..................... HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs and laying in a puddle of some sort of foul smelling liquid. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. Your muscles will spasm and you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh, were still burning and twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock!!!
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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL....
I have 4 cats and if you've ever had a cat, you will know just how true this is!
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden, make sure she is up to date on Control and Restraint.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and push straw right down hellcat’s gullet, blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply Scotch compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw destroyed Tee Shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call Qld Fire Service to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with Plasticuffs and bind tightly to leg of dining table, fetch leather heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, don body armour. Push pill into mouth of cat followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 litres of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any Guinea Pigs.
How To Give A Dog A Pill.....
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
That's what I like about dogs!!! No brains.
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TALKING AUSSIE CLOCK
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a few of his friends late one night, a drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
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The difference between dogs and cats:
Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
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GOVERNMENT EMPLOYMENT
A guy goes to the Government Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer explains to him that they operate on a point system and that at the end of the interview the points will be added up and depending on what he scored he will either be rejected for employment, go on to a wait list and then employed as vacancies arise or if he scores the highest be offered immediate employment then he asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
The applicant replies, "Yes - coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says,"Yes. Whilst on patrol I had a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my
testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00AM and you might as well start every day at that time."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we
just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you
coming in for that, is there?"
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Tiger & Stevie Wonder
Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that ... $10,000 a hole is fine with me.
When would you like to play?
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
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A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Boy, what a week I’ve had!, I have been very busy... I had a really bad day yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
But, after working on it for two years, this week I finally did a public theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
In the matinee audience was a primary school class, and a small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When I telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'. I was really worried the teacher would be mad that this had occurred so I went to talk with him. Turns out he was a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
The kids got out of control and the magician got so mad he pulled his hare out. He came to us from a circus... Did you hear about the fire at the circus? Apparently the heat was in tents.
Anyway these students reminded me of my school days.....some days were great some were scary, for instance in my last year I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose. Earlier in the year a rubber band pistol was confiscated from me in algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. I recall having a beautiful but difficult math teacher. She was easy on the eyes and hard on the pupils!
I realised then that math teachers have lots of problems. I also realised that I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me. I recall that a rule of grammar is that double negatives are a no-no. And a prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
After school I had a few jobs, I may have mentioned these before.... First I sold farm equipment, (John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment I won't stand behind.) Then I joined the Army with my mate William, we were posted to Afghanistan and got what we thought would be a cushy job with the Quarter master, but it is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
When we got back William quit the army because he really disliked the phrase 'fire at will'. So we started doing orchestral appearances in workplaces, we were working in the mines when a crane strap broke.... let me put it this way.. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor....
Will then became a butcher but he backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work, with his compo payout he bought a really flash new car, after a big night on the bundys, he drove his expensive car into a tree and found out exactly how the Mercedes bends.
After months of treatment he told me these things about his medical treatments, He said he’s been to the dentist several times so he knows the drill. He said do not trust people who do acupuncture as they’re a mob of back stabbers, his proctologist reassured him that his condition could be rectified.
He said he was arrested after his therapist suggested he take something for his kleptomania.
I decided to find my own niche, First I was a greengrocer, Big mistake! Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed. So instead I invented a new type of broom, since it came out, it is sweeping the nation. I made a breakthrough when I realised a bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred. Then I thought “What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? “ It’s purely a tyre.
After that I invented a cardboard belt but I realised after that it would be a waist of paper.
Inventing runs in my family, My great grandfather, the one who invented the door knocker, got a No-bell prize. For a while, my great grandfather hung around with Houdini. The great magician used a lot of trap doors in his act, but according to my great grandfather he was just going through a stage.
Inspired by my great grandfathers works, I invented a fitting that holds your whipper snipper at 90 degrees to the ground, I ‘m telling you it’s cutting-hedge technology. Now I’ve developed some new worker safety reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out. Unfortunately my new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
I started the original online origami store? You guessed it, It folded. I started binge eating and got huge, I desperately wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
To pay for all this I have a job at the concrete plant but my job seems to get harder and harder. I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours. But usually I'm inclined to be laid back. I was a baker but I stopped making donuts after I got tired of the hole thing. I was a plumber, let me tell you, for plumbers, a flush beats a full house anyday! I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
My brother was an Olympic quality rower but he got dumped because as an indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar. He worked as a director of a compass manufacturer but the shareholders were concerned that the company wasn't heading in the right direction. Then he invested in a funeral company, but it’s a dying industry. (Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.)
He had a bad run, when Harry Potter was big ,my brother invested in publishing a book of incantations, but it was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.
I blame myself, We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention. And as kids I tricked him a lot of times swapping his drink for superglue!, He didn't tell our mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed. I hit him in the head with a can of coke one day, right in the temple! He was lucky it was a soft drink.
He used to scare me with spiders and bugs, I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. You see Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all in sects.
I worked as an animal carer and there I learnt a lot too, for instance, I learnt that a chicken crossing the road is just poultry in motion. Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder. I used to play hide and seek with some animals, All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck! I learnt that the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line. I was there when a dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering. I stopped doing this when 5000 hares escaped from the zoo when I was working . The police were combing the area all night.
I have taken a role as a “facilitator”, that means if people want stuff done, I am the guy who can get it done...
I have made some mistakes, like I learnt that:
*- If you wear a blindfold at the shooting range, you won't know what you're missing
*- novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
*- The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
*- I learnt that the Atheists society is a non-prophet organization and that Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
*- I was shocked to learn that Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
*- If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
*- If you step onto a plane and recognize a client of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
*- Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
*-Even learned that a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
In my new office the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real. I bought lots of pencils as soon as I started, there were hundreds of different ones to chose from. I realised that pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point? I bought a huge sharpener to go on my desk, Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips, but I had to have one, because to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
But I have made an impressive list of contacts and can arrange almost anything, If you need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
To supplement my wage I do weddings too, My first was last Saturday, I got all dressed up, I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. I learnt that to some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
It was in a chinese restaurant, after a while they decided the lights were too bright at the restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
They saved money on the caterers and the coffee tasted like mud, I think it was because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.Someone stole my coffee, Stealing someone's coffee should be called 'mugging'.
The caterers had a nut based menu, Nuts are so expensive these days. Nearly cost you an almond a leg. They served beautiful cuts of meat, and I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
Anyway enough of this, I need to be more flexible, like I don't think I need a spine. I reckon it's what is holding me back.
Time for bed, Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
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A GOOD LAUGH
And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always, awarded posthumously;
THE 2011 WINNER!
Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up. People like these are all around us. They have kids and they vote!
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A GOOD LAUGH
And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always, awarded posthumously;
THE 2011 WINNER!
Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up. People like these are all around us. They have kids and they vote!
from the top I realise you know Hodgo, but for those that don't...
http://www.snopes.com/autos/dream/jato.asp
the background...
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[i][/i] True or false I found it a laugh to read I had never read it before and i cracked up reading it.
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PRECISION PSYCHOLOGY
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.
Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how the ALP operates... and this is why, from time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.